Why hang out with men, anyway?

At Man Skills Class we went over splitting wood with a knife, tying some knots, and removing a bra efficiently. These are all skills a woman can have; these are all skills a man doesn’t actually need.

So what’s the point?

My guest blogger suggested: “This class is aimed towards the guy who may feel... uncertain in his masculinity. Unskilled. In need of some self-assurance.”

While I agree that this may be part of the appeal, I think there is more to it. For example: me. I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of being a man. I think I do well coping with my testosterone, respecting women, protecting children, treating others kindly, etc. All the really crucial aspects of being a Good Man.

It's amazing how much of the world
features giant spiders

And I've done some “manly” shit, too. I've hacked my way through a jungle or two. Spiders, snakes, and scorpions, oh my. I've gotten out of tense situations without a fight: manly. I’ve explored five continents, usually by myself. And, I have successfully removed a bra or two in my day; even without instruction.

If all that’s true, why would I be drawn to Man Skills class? Because there are other elements, alligators lurking in the swamp of my manly soul, and I think the organizers of this group have tapped into these desires, which are common among men in my situation.

I met that guy in the Ecuadorian Amazon

Anyone who sits in front of a computer all day moving zeros and ones around in a hypothetical universe, then gets up at the end of it to find the physical world unchanged, all his energy channeled into a plastic box that provides pale reassurance of his importance, might feel just a bit...unsatisfied. But when you set the solid weight of the survival knife on the wood, feel the thunk as it bites in, and see the wood fall apart with a crack?

Tangible reward. Satisfaction. Confidence.

Then what? Then the real fun begins. Because as pleasant as splitting wood in a room in the city is, it’s not really real until you do it in nature, arrange the pieces properly, and produce a healthy fire to warm, cook, and protect you from the night. That’s when a simple task has a subtle hint of adventure.

These mundane tasks are a vehicle, to take you into a natural setting, which nourishes the human soul at a profound level that is just not possible in a city. It makes sense of a biological level. Our ancestors quickly learned, and imprinted in our very genes, that a green place, growing things, running water and fresh air, was a good place to be. They hardwired us to find this important, relaxing, healthy. A gray expanse of barren dry rock where nothing grew was a place of stress, anxiety, and fear to be avoided.

Apartments in Hong Kong; can you breathe?

Which of those two landscapes does a city more resemble?

These things alone would be more than enough to draw me to a Man Skills meetup, but there is something else. Something explicitly acknowledged by the organizers in a show of vulnerability that surprised me, and provoked smiles and nods among everyone in attendance...the whole tribe, so to speak.

Isolation is one of the main themes of my life. It lurked around before I started traveling, and I walked openly with it down Serbian streets, through Salvadoran cityscapes, feeding leeches in Malaysian jungles, down the glass canyons of Hong Kong, and beside Venetian canals.

But now, as I move away from open-ended solo traveling, I want to put my life back in balance. I revere the Feminine energy (and will talk at length about the salvation for our species that I think it offers), but have found myself almost ridiculing the Masculine, which seems more intent on smashing beer cans on foreheads and tanks through front doors than on improving the human condition.

But that is not what it means to be a Man. Mindless aggression is for boys and fools. Nor does being a Man mean you have to know how to chop wood, tie a knot, or unclasp a bra, but somewhere in those things (and the multitude of other possibilities), one can find a format, a framework, a setting for the experience of Masculinity and Brotherhood.

That’s the secret fifth element of the Man Skills class, for me: an openness to brotherhood and community. “Social media” is all well and good for cute kitten videos, but it’s hard to fit camaraderie into a comment thread; time spent doing satisfying things with like-minded people? That’s a tribe.

If you’re looking for the same things, drop me a line or check out the Man Skills homepage at manskills.academy. And you’re going to LOVE the camping trips...

What men really want

I hope I’m not going to disappoint you.

Were you expecting (or fearing) a tale of knuckle-dragging meatheads? Jocks, frat-boys, and assorted male stereotypes who think their egos, biceps, and testicles form a sacred trinity entitling them to treat the world as their personal patriarchal fiefdom?

Cuz that's not what I found.

I'll be honest, as usual with humans, I had a script or three that I was prepared to confirm, when I walked into Man Skills class. The most delightfully awful would have been the above douchebaggery, and when the two organizers revealed themselves to be screenworthy specimens of broad shoulders, piercing eyes, and jutting jawlines, it would have been oh-so-easy to scorn them; dislike and dismiss them.

But those bastards had to go and be all...likeable.

And it gets worse. Because not only were they charismatic, but their vision was honest, appealing, and utterly devoid of misogyny. While the concerns and points raised by my lovely lady guest blogger are completely valid, once I heard them speak it was clear the group is consciously and overtly intended to address a need among men, to raise us higher with no corollary of pushing women down.

I'm tempted to expound for pages on masculinity in the modern world. Another day. Suffice to say, people have been railing against the “feminisation” of boys for well over a century, in fact it was this concern that lead to the creation of the Boy Scouts of America in 1910. That generation went on to be the rugged dudes grinding up their own bodies in the trenches of The War to End All Wars; hardly wimps, but hardly complete role models either. (Man Skill #153: Dealing with trench foot?)

When the discussion is driven by Fear, it’s easy to get misogynistic overtones, as people lash out at anything they can convince themselves is an enemy. The founders of the Boy Scouts screamed “Women are feminising our sons!” Instead of the Fear, the Man Skills group seeks to address the Feeling. Instead of “Give us back our testicles, she-devil!” they say “We have grown distant from some aspects of the masculine experience.” There’s a pretty sharp difference there.

It should come as a surprise to precisely no one that many men these days feel removed from their masculine side. But before we ask “How do I get in touch with my masculinity?” we need to ask “What IS masculinity?”

A friend pointed out that women are also capable of all the things listed in the Man Skills curriculum, and she's absolutely right. Another reader asked “What do you think Woman Skills 101 would be?” The easy timeworn answers are cooking, cleaning, sewing, and child-raising. That might seem horrifically offensive until you acknowledge that those are skills men should have too.

Because nowadays? A man who doesn’t do any of those traditionally “female skills” is likely to be seen as kind of a jerk.

“How was lunch with Tina?”

“It was nice, but oh my god, did you know Brad never helps change their baby?”

“What, like, never never? Really?”

“I know, right?”

“Wow, I didn’t know he was like that.”

But the feeling is that we really don’t know as many of the “manly” skills as our forefathers did. Today if something breaks, we just buy a new one, but we suspect grandpa knew how to fix it. Mine was also the most sheltered generation to date, when parents tried to keep their kids from ever getting hurt, a trend that has gone through the roof since then. Of course Jim isn’t very good with an axe, little Jimmy wasn’t allowed to use a steak knife until he was 18.

Maybe I should have a class for Child Skills that includes climbing trees, scraping knees, and messing with bees. Except that I’d get sued for all three (and think bees should be protected and assisted, not messed with.)

So...if women are just as able and welcome to start fires, fix cars, and remove lingerie...and men are just as able and welcome to cook, clean, and fix their own damn buttons...what's the point of labeling these skills as male or female?

Maybe there is none.

Or maybe there is something else. Some other purpose this group explicitly addresses. Any guesses what it is? Part Two to follow...

[And let me repeat my marvelous guest blogger's apology for all the heteronormative labels and assumptions throughout these pieces. I wish I was able to more fully embrace the spectrum and variety of the human condition here, but my attempts to do so would be clumsy and wordy. An extension of these ideas to all those facets would be interesting and worthwhile...anybody want to guest blog that one?]

Guest Blog: A Helping Hand

So, now that we’ve all assumed that I’m terribly biased and probably a man-hating, ball-busting, bra-burning, angry feminist - let’s see what the other side might look like. Because there’s always more than one side to a story. And I believe in busting right through stereotypes, when at all possible, don’t you?

Reasons why we should not take offense at the inclusion of one-handed bra-unhooking in Man Skills:

Context

Man Skills. The creator is obviously using some pretty heavy sarcasm here. Further evidence for that is in the invite’s conclusion:

After we are done, we'll drink some beers and talk about how awesome we are. Reserve your spot now or be left in the cold with the growing herd of unprepared men.

He’s poking fun at ‘traditional’ ideals of manhood and male bonding, while using those same concepts to sell a Meetup as a ‘class’ that’s really an excuse to socialize with other men. Do we need to get upset about something that is likely self-aware humor?

Would it be beneficial, in fact, for us to NOT get upset by these types of things? Are we adding to the divide between those who identify as feminists and non-feminists (many of whom are women! See: Katy Perry) when we pounce on relatively small things like this?

Bra Realities

Bra-unhooking IS challenging for someone who isn’t fine-tuning their ability to manipulate the minuscule hook-and-eye set-up on a daily basis. Those things are fidgety; you can easily get one hook undone, then another, only to find that by the last hook, the first one has slipped back into its little eye again! Sneaky little buggers...

I know plenty of women who, despite years of bra-wrangling, have given up the fight entirely. They just put their bras on around their waist, with the hooks in front where they can be seen clearly, then do them up, turn them around, and: voilà! Bra on. Reverse the technique for removal.

And your average, straight male has pretty limited experience - only needing to unhook them when undressing a partner, which, let’s face it, is not the optimal time to be learning a finicky skill, or any skill for that matter. People tend to be somewhat...preoccupied in such moments, the blood literally going elsewhere.

Furthermore, how often does the act of undressing a partner happen? If you’re single, unless you’re Don Juan: not that often. And your average man is definitely not Don Juan. According to various US statistics, by the time he hits 45, the average male will have had 6 to 8 sexual partners.

All that to say: bra closures are pesky little things, and men have scant time and opportunities to figure them out under less-than-optimal learning conditions.

Target Audience

This class is aimed towards the guy who may feel...uncertain in his masculinity. Unskilled. In need of some self-assurance.

Being unable to get. the. damn. bra. off. can sometimes kill the mood, not to mention kill other, um, burgeoning things. Conceivably some men could also be concerned about triggering performance issues. They imagine a scene where foreplay has been halted by a struggle that may have involved inadvertently jabbing their partner’s back with tiny metal prongs; where the woman might deduce that he has no sexual skills, if he can’t even remove a bra.

If she’s still interested in continuing at that point, her expectations might be set to ‘ok, show me what you’ve got, because I have serious doubts’. No pressure there…

If you’re already a little shy, inexperienced, or just plain self-conscious, that could feel like a recipe for disaster. Anyone have Viagra on hand?

Intended message

You could even argue that being able to remove a bra without a fight to the bra-hook death, is a man’s way of showing that he cares. “I’m capable. I can take care of you. I want this to be a pleasurable experience for you. I can show you a good time.” Is it what every guy is trying to say by learning that skill? No. But maybe some men are? Perhaps a good portion of them even?

Do you have any more reasons why this isn’t a sexist class/lesson? Or why it is?

And for my curiosity, after reading both angles on the question, vote in the poll on the vagabondurges.com version.

Guest blog: Unhooking ideas of masculinity

Oops, forgot to post a blogspot version too. This one's worth reading, check it out here, on vagabondurges.com and read what a certain lovely lady in my life has to say about it.

Feeling manly?

I wasn’t supposed to be in that girl’s shower. As the property manager, it was not my place to be in a tenant’s bathroom for any reason other than inspection or as an escort to a vendor.

Nor was it necessarily recommended to pull the fuel filter off that car, and the gas that leaked out turned the skin on my hand white, until I learned to be more efficient and careful about it after that.

And I wasn’t sure, the first time I threw a punch, but I have to admit, the results get more and more satisfying with every repetition.

Masculinity is a complicated concept, with all sorts of shortcuts and assumptions that are not necessarily relevant, important, or even a good idea. I’d made it about a quarter of a century before I needed to fix a shower, was legally an adult before I fixed anything on a car, and it was only last year that I learned to throw a proper punch.

I was still a man before each of those. Right?

But still there is the nagging sense that a man should know this stuff. So even though technically I wasn’t supposed to fix plumbing at my job as a property manager, once I’d looked over the pro’s shoulder I was eager to get in there and do it myself. And when the gas tank of my first beater car was rusted inside, I didn’t mind changing the filter monthly (while we waited for a 1969 replacement to show up in the scrap yard). And when I moved into my previous house and the roommate handed me boxing gloves, I was happy to accept.

Lesson Two: Alligator Wrestling

There are a number of these “man skills” floating around, and I’ve joked about finding/starting/joining some sort of Man Skills Academy to learn more. After all, when I moved into my current apartment, and the shower demon delighted in alternating ice-water dousing with second-degree burns, I had to ask the maintenance man to come save me.

So when I got the “New Meetup Group: Man Skills 101” email, I was curious, and saw three possibilities:

1. Genuinely educational.

2. Just goofy fun among dudes.

3. Misogynistic patriarchal chest-beating.

The group’s description reads: “Let's face it, we modern men are spending WAY TOO MUCH time in front of our computers. You are no longer required to use your man skills because technology does everything for you. Falling out of touch with your masculinity is extremely unnatural, unhealthy and will negatively effecting (sic) all aspects of your life.

Doing man stuff awakens your inner-Viking and IT IS VERY REWARDING. Your long forgotten Caveman says "Man! This feels familiar. I should be doing more of this. I created that with my hands? Awesome!"  

Sounds promising. They went on to quote Napoleon Dynamite: “Chicks like guys with skills.” A Napoleon Dynamite reference is always a good call, but what if they’re not quite tongue-in-cheek? I’ve never identified as the stereotypical frat boy, and I don’t mean to start now, though I do enjoy playing with the archetype.

I couldn’t help but notice “People in this Meetup are also in: T.O.J. Tales of Javascript”, but am still unsure after the rest of the description, which asks men to come learn “badass skills to impress the ladies”. And the three “skills” to be learned at the first meeting?

-Taking off a bra with one hand.

-Building a fire

-Tying knots

It’s been awhile since I feared the brassiere, I make a decent fire, and I tie in for rock climbing without problems, but perhaps the company of dudes would be a good way to spend an evening? Or is this a patriarchal idiot fest? The other issue being that it’s the same night as my weekly rock-climbing group, which I would be sorry to miss.

What do you think? Should I go?

(Vote on the poll on the wordpress version: here.)

And stay tuned each of the next two days, as a remarkable woman guest-blogs her opinions on the issue...and much more.